If you're a single woman who's interested in going on an exciting and
*one-of-a-kind
date*, then this might be the most important email you've ever read.
If you're like most women I imagine you're looking to meet a smart, funny,
and attractive guy. Someone who's not a pushover, but also not bossy or
controlling. Someone who is goal oriented who's also tall with a good set of
teeth (at least that's what I'm told you're looking for).
Well, my name is Jason Hanson and I'm in the Langley Ward. And I’m ready to
go on a quality date. Why? Because the dates that I’ve been going on lately
have been boring and also because Spring is here, so I need to find a
partner in crime to enjoy the warm weather with! That's where you perhaps
come in. Because, if what you're about to read interests you at all, it
might be the beginning of the most exciting adventure of your life!
Alright, times a wastin', let’s get right down to business:
*Here are 9 things of what I AM and what I AM NOT looking for in an
exciting-fun-date-partner:*
1. You have to have a personality. Really. If you're a bump on a log, if
you're zero fun, if we were out on a date and I had to lean across the table
and grab your wrist to check your pulse to see if you're still
alive....well, we probably wouldn't be a good match.
2. You're smart. I find intelligence extremely attractive. And no, I don't
necessarily mean book smarts. I'm a college graduate, but college doesn't
teach you diddly squat about the real world. Most of the "real" learning in
this world is done by self-education which is why I read one book per week.
3. You're funny. This one is mucho importante (that means “very important”
for you un-bilingual people.....and no, I don't care that un-bilingual isn't
a word). Anyway, you have to have an awesome sense of humor. Most things in
life aren’t that important and you should definitely be able to laugh at
yourself.
4. You should be confident. You should believe in yourself (like the little
engine that could).
5. You must be ambitious. It doesn't matter what you want to do with your
life (painter, stay at home, teacher, doctor, professor, archeologist). But,
at least want to be the best at whatever you choose to do.
6. You need to at least like the outdoors. I love camping and hiking.
There's nothing better than sitting around a roaring campfire eating smores
as the chocolate oozes out the edges and you get to lick it up and try not
to burn your tongue.
7. You need to be positive. Life is great! You're alive; you live in the
greatest country in the world. You have a roof over your head, food in your
stomach and clothes on your back.
8. Okay. This one's another biggie. I'm not looking for a Molly Mormon (you
know who you are). Listen, I love the church as much as anyone. I know it's
true. I go to church every Sunday and Institute every Thursday. However, if
you can't go two seconds without saying something like "heavenly father
this" or "heavenly father that" then we won't get along. (Yes, I've really
been on a date with a girl like that. If I had a gun with me I would have
put it in my mouth and…......you get the point). So please be well rounded.
9. You're sweet. Yeah, that’s kind of a cliche (where in the heck is the key
on the keyboard for the slanted line that's supposed to go over the e in
cliche? And what in the world is the name for that slanted thingy anyway?
Ahhh. Who cares.)
*So should I tell you a little something about yours truly? Fine. I will. *
Well, as I said earlier I’m in the Langley Ward. I’m 28. I live in Fairfax,
VA. I own two real estate businesses and also have another job….but I’m not
going to reveal that job through email, so I’ll tell you when we talk.
I love the outdoors. I love life (I sincerely mean that. My mother died of
cancer a few years ago. That gave me a daily gratefulness for life that few
people understand). I believe in taking risks and going after whatever you
want in life.
I’m 6 foot 1, and I brush my teeth three times a day with Colgate’s MaxFresh
with Mouthwash Beads (this is the best toothpaste ever, trust me).
Anyway, if any of the above sounds good to you then I would possibly love to
take you on a date. Why only possibly? I’m glad you asked.
*Because if you're not boring (or a serial killer) and this peaked your
interest (along with the pictures I’ve attached), here's what you should do:
*
First, send me an email and say "Jason, I might want to go on a date with
you, you’re not that much of a hideous freak, so let’s chat".
Once I get your email we’ll chat a bit and I’m gonna ask you for some
pictures of yourself (it’s only fair, you’ve seen me).
And if all goes well, I will email you back and ask for your phone number.
Once I get your number I will give you a call and if we seem to get along I
will ask you out on a date (if we can't stand each other, we of course will
never have to talk again).
Then, on the night of our date I will pick you up, open the car door for you
and we will..........................
tell you did ya? What fun would that be? But I will tell you that I'll take
you somewhere I *GUARANTEE* you've never been before. Thank you.
-Jason
--
Jason R. Hanson
Narrows Realty Group, LLC
540-318-0131-Office
888.251.0284-Fax
www.NarrowsRealtyGroup.com <http://www.
And here was my response to the whole listserv. I wouldn't have done it any other day except for April Fool's.
Dear Jason Hanson,
I'm interested in applying for the position. I fulfill the prerequisites and am quite confident that I can also fulfill your wildest dreams. Attached is my cover letter, resume and head shots. References are available upon request.
Best,
Brittany Watson
Brittany,
You sound like an ideal candidate for the toughest job in the world (even though your attachment didn't come through, because apparently the listserve doesn't allow attachments, which is why I attached pics to this email).
I will have the head of my HR department (who by the way is a stud, if I may say so myself) begin to process your application.
Have a great day.
Jason
That is bizarre.
ReplyDeleteVery bizarre.
Extremely bizarre.
But funny.